Learning to accept the reality that I have been living in a body and mind that was not really me was/is hard. I made it through my whole career and most of my relationships that way. I am a team player, goal-oriented, empathetic, curious, and love what I do. So what is my problem?
Perfectionism!
Everyone is susceptible to other’s ideas of what is best for them. Throughout my career, I felt I needed to know how others viewed my status, number, ranking, and job title. I worked longer hours and put more pressure on myself than I should have. ( I still do that and probably will for a while). Those rankings are important and well deserved, but deep down inside, I didn’t care what my title was, but it made others happy and proud. Maybe even convinced I was secure.
As I enter the second week of my graduate program with full-time work, I start to worry that I will get “I told ya so” or “I knew this was a bad idea for her” from anyone who may be thinking I am nuts for starting over at 53 because it is HARD. Already! The anticipation of expectations of perfection is not the reality, and I will make mistakes. I may even have to take a little longer to get through my program to do well. The expectation others might have of me finishing at a certain time is not mine to worry about…and I was worrying about it yesterday but not today! Thank you, therapy!
Compassion towards ourselves releases oxytocin, the feel-good hormone. Did you know that? You cannot control what other people think, and your inner talk can help or harm you. When someone cannot accept your behavior, they “expect” you to change. By being more compassionate toward yourself, you will ease your own expectations and not be so judgy. I will finish when I finish. I want to learn and, most of all, do well! I have to be clear about my boundaries and what I can handle.
Living the life you love can be extremely stressful but so liberating. You let go of the pressure to please others, and others will follow suit when you take ownership of your own life. Love your life, as any moment is a turning point. Make the most of it! Your journey will not be perfect, so hope for the best and accept what comes.
Step out of your comfort zone. Now breathe all the way in…and sigh it out. You will be great at what you do!
Love this Alisa.